Hot people make me dumb. 

I went out on a date with this guy once – attractive, long curly hair, skinny…could be mistaken for a rock star who hadn’t showered in two days. So basically, my type.  

So we went to see the movie 300…Abs.  Spears.  Testosterones everywhere.  I don’t watch movies without popcorn. So I bought it for both of us, because apparently, when the guy is hot enough, I downgrade from goddess to snack dispenser. No offer from him — just vibes and hair.

Then the scene comes on.  It was the Oracle moving through the air like a trail of smoke drifting.  I was really into it, immersing myself in the fluidity of her movements.  Until this man…THIS MAN…looks at me, points at her nipples, and starts laughing!  Like bro?  Why are you acting like you just discovered nipples?  Are you 5 years old?  

I thought…how miserable it must be to watch a movie with this guy? Was he here for the nude scenes or the storyline?  Scratch that.  He was here for the nipples. 

That’s when it hit me:  Not even 300 ripped Spartan warriors could save this date.  I wanted to call Leonidas and be like, ‘Sir, if you please…throw ME in the pit.”

I wanted to leave the cinema, but there I was…just thinking…. Maybe if I visualize him as the deformed hunchback…Would that make this movie date experience tolerable enough to survive the ending?

But the real kicker?  It wasn’t even a date.  That was just me, feeding popcorn to a rock star I hallucinated having a relationship with.  

So yeah, I paid for the movie, the popcorn, and a gentle reminder to lower my expectations. Would not recommend.